Wednesday September 2, 2026
Proverbs 17:16–28 — Wisdom in Relationships, Conflict, and Words
Last time we looked at the first half of Proverbs 17, and Solomon gave us some very practical wisdom about peace, relationships, forgiveness, and the heart.
One of the things we keep discovering as we work our way through Proverbs is that biblical wisdom isn't just about knowing the right thing.
Wisdom changes the way we live.
It changes the way we treat people.
It changes the way we handle conflict.
It changes the way we respond when somebody hurts us.
And it certainly changes the way we use our words.
It changes the way we handle conflict.
It changes the way we respond when somebody hurts us.
And it certainly changes the way we use our words.
Tonight, as we finish Proverbs 17, Solomon is going to take us into some very familiar territory.
He's going to talk about friendship, foolish decisions, arguments, family heartache, injustice, and once again—the words that come out of our mouths.
Section 1: Verses 16–20 — Wisdom Begins in the Heart
Proverbs 17:16 (CSB) 16 Why does a fool have money in his hand with no intention of buying wisdom?
Here's an interesting picture.
This person has the resources to obtain wisdom, but he doesn't have the desire.
The problem isn't that wisdom is unavailable.
The problem is that he doesn't want it.
This person wants to buy any and everything that they think will make them happy, but will not invest in their own wisdom.
How does that look in our world today?
You can put a Bible in someone's hand.
But you can’t make them read it.
You can put them in a good church.
But you can’t make them come consistently.
You can surround them with godly people.
But you can’t make them observe how they interact with each other.
You can give them good advice.
But you certainly can’t make them heed that advice.
All efforts to help this foolish person will fail because they simply will not listen.
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We all know people like that. (sometimes, we’re people like that)
What do you do?
Pray.
As long as there is breath in their lungs, God can still get their attention.
The Holy Spirit can convict them.
God can use circumstances, His Word, or even another person to finally break through that stubborn heart.
Sometimes the person we're praying for isn't just stubborn, they’re lost.
We must pray for these people.
Or sometimes they're a Christian who thinks they just know better but they've decided they're going to do things their own way.
Come to think of it, haven't all of us been that fool at one time or another?
Like Matthew West sings, “Don’t Stop Praying!”
Your prayers may be the reason they finally “get it!”
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As we look at this verse even closer we should notice Solomon's emphasis:
Wisdom isn't primarily a money problem. It's a heart problem.
That gives us a good question to think about:
How many times have we asked God for direction when what we really wanted was for God to approve the direction we had already chosen?
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.
This is probably one of the best-known verses in Proverbs.
And there's a reason for that.
Everybody has friends when things are going well.
Especially if you’re the one “buying."
But difficult times reveal who our real friends are.
I noticed this truth as I was coming up in the ranks at the Dept. of Corrections.
When I was just an officer, there were some who just ignored me or wouldn't say much to me.
But, as I moved up the ranks, especially when I became a Lt. or Capt. Then those same people would go out of their way to speak to me.
Have any of you experienced this?
When you don’t have much to offer, crickets, but when you have some authority or power, symphonies!
But here's what I learned: position may attract people, but it doesn't necessarily attract friends.
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This proverb shows us that a true friend doesn’t just show up when all is well and then disappear when life gets messy.
They don't only show up for the party.
They show up for the hospital room.
They don’t just show for the wedding, they also show up when the marriage is struggling.
They don’t just show up for the birthday party, they also show up at the celebration of life.
True friends may not always tell you what you want to hear—but they love you enough to tell you what you need to hear.
That's biblical friendship.
A really good Old Testament example I think of is Ruth:
Ruth 1:16-17 (CSB) 16 But Ruth replied: Don’t plead with me to abandon you or to return and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. 17 Where you die, I will die,
and there I will be buried. May the LORD punish me, and do so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.
Ruth was a true friend!
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And of course, as Christians, we can't read this without thinking about Jesus.
Jesus said:
John 15:13 (CSB) 13 No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.
Jesus didn't just tell us what friendship looks like.
He showed us.
He always showed compassion, love, understanding and grace while never condoning sin and rebellion.
He further demonstrated that amazing love by willingly going to the cross to pay for our sin.
Like the song says, “What a friend we have in Jesus!”
Discussion question:
What is the difference between a true friend and someone who simply agrees with everything we do?
18 One without sense enters an agreement and puts up security for his friend.
We've seen this warning before in Proverbs.
Solomon isn't condemning generosity.
He's warning against taking responsibility for somebody else's financial obligations without considering the consequences.
There's a difference between helping somebody and enabling somebody.
Sometimes our heart says, "I want to help."
But wisdom asks:
"Is what I'm about to do actually going to help?"
Money is a very delicate subject and many friendships and family relationships have been devastated by foolish transactions.
We have to remember that good intentions don't eliminate bad consequences.
19 One who loves to offend loves strife; one who builds a high threshold invites injury.
Some people seem to enjoy conflict.
You probably know somebody like that.
If there isn't an argument going on, they'll start one!
Solomon says that someone who loves sin or offense eventually learns to love conflict because the two go together.
The second phrase carries the idea of pride or making oneself impressive—building something unnecessarily high and grand.
The point seems to be:
Pride sets us up for a fall.
I think of it this way.
Everyone has seen homes with great iron bars on all the windows and doors, right?
The house I bought was like that.
And I remember thinking, “If I'm a thief looking at this house, I'm wondering what in the world is inside that they're trying so hard to protect!”
Sometimes the things we build to make ourselves look important actually attract trouble.
And that's really Solomon's point. Pride has a way of advertising itself.
We want people to notice what we have, what we've accomplished, who we are, or how important we've become.
But pride doesn't make us secure.
Pride sets us up for a fall.
I had every one of those bars removed before we moved in 
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not wrong to try to protect what you own, but don’t let what you own, own you.
That's exactly what Solomon told us in the previous chapter:
Proverbs 16:18 (CSB)18 Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.
20 One with a twisted mind will not succeed, and one with deceitful speech will fall into ruin.
Notice again how Solomon connects the heart and the mouth.
A twisted mind reveals a twisted heart that eventually produces twisted words.
Jesus taught the same principle:
Matthew 12:34 (CSB) For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.
We've talked about our words a lot during this study of Proverbs.
But maybe the bigger question isn't simply:
"How do I control my mouth?"
Maybe it's:
"What is going on in my heart that's producing those words?"
All of us could use a very honest conversation with the person in the mirror.
The good news is that even when we have failed, as we learned last Sunday: But He gives greater grace! James 4:6
We need to surrender our hearts to Jesus.
And we need to do it often.
It’s not a one and done situation.
The enemy is relentless and the more you are accomplishing for God’s kingdom, the more you will be attacked.
Pray every day that we would yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to control our hearts, our attitudes, and our words.
Pray, pray, pray!
Section 1 Recap
So in these first few verses Solomon has shown us that wisdom is deeper than simply knowing facts.
Wisdom begins in the heart.
A wise heart wants and seeks instruction.
A wise heart produces faithful friendship at all times.
A wise heart doesn't make reckless decisions; they seek wise counsel.
A wise heart doesn't go looking for conflict, it avoids it.
And a wise heart eventually shows itself through wise words and actions.
Our audio matches our video.
What we say will match what we do and trust me, everyone will notice!
Section 2: Verses 21–24 — What Are You Chasing?
21 A man fathers a fool to his own sorrow; the father of a fool has no joy.
We've seen this idea several times in Proverbs.
Our choices don't affect only us.
Parents understand this especially well.
When our children hurt, we hurt.
When they make foolish decisions, we may suffer right alongside them.
That's one of the painful realities of loving someone.
You can teach someone wisdom, but you cannot force them to choose and use it.
And that can be heartbreaking.
22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.
Here's another familiar verse.
And I think we need to be careful not to make this too simplistic.
Solomon isn't saying that if you're hurting, you should just cheer up.
He's describing something we all recognize:
What's happening inside of us affects the rest of us.
Joy can strengthen us.
Encouragement can lift us.
Laughter can change the atmosphere in a room.
But prolonged discouragement can wear a person down.
Depression is a real thing that cannot be ignored.
That's one reason Christian fellowship is so important.
Sometimes God uses another believer to encourage us when we're struggling to encourage ourselves.
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Now here's something else I think we need to understand.
Biblical joy isn't the same thing as always being happy.
Happiness often depends upon what's happening around us, our circumstances.
Joy is rooted in what I know to be true about God, His promises and His faithfulness.
I can be hurting and still have joy.
I can be grieving and still trust God.
I can have tears in my eyes and still know that God is good.
That's why Christian joy can become “good medicine.”
It doesn't mean the pain isn't real.
It means the pain doesn't get the final word.
Discussion question:
Can you remember a time when someone's encouragement came exactly when you needed it?
23 A wicked person secretly takes a bribe to subvert the course of justice.
Again Solomon returns to justice.
We've already seen that God cares deeply about honesty and fairness.
A bribe corrupts justice because the decision is no longer based on what is right.
It's based on what benefits the one with the money.
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And that principle applies far beyond money too.
Anytime personal benefit becomes more important than doing what's right, we're walking dangerous ground.
God's standard doesn't change depending on who benefits from the decision.
24 Wisdom is the focus of the perceptive, but a fool's eyes roam to the ends of the earth.
I really like the picture Solomon gives us here.
The wise or perceptive person has wisdom right in front of him.
They’re focused.
They don’t fall for the enemy’s distractions.
They stay focused, and when they don't know what to do, they ask God for wisdom, trusting that He gives generously.
(James 1:5)
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But the fool is always looking somewhere else.
We’ve all known someone like this.
Someone who is always chasing the next thing.
The next opportunity.
The next shortcut.
The next scheme.
The next thing that promises happiness.
And sometimes we're guilty of doing the same thing spiritually.
We're looking everywhere for answers when God has already given us His Word.
Sometimes we don't need a new answer.
We need to obey the answer God has already given us.
Section 2 Recap
Solomon reminds us here that foolishness has consequences—and often those consequences reach beyond us.
But he also reminds us where wisdom stays focused and keeps its attention.
The fool is constantly looking somewhere else.
The wise person keeps his eyes on what God has already put in front of him.
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Section 3: Verses 25–28 — Sometimes Wisdom Keeps Its Mouth Shut
25 A foolish son is grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him.
This sounds very similar to verse 21.
When Solomon (or any biblical writer) repeats something, we ought to pay even more attention.
Again, he's reminding us that foolish decisions rarely hurt only the person making them.
Our choices have a ripple effect.
That's true in families.
It's true in friendships.
It's true in marriages.
And it's certainly true in the church.
26 It is certainly not good to fine an innocent person or to beat a noble for his honesty.
God cares about justice.
Punishing innocent people is wrong.
Punishing someone because they did what was right is even worse.
We live in a world where doing the right thing may sometimes cost us something.
But as Christians, our standard isn't:
"What will this cost me?"
Our standard is:
"What honors God?"
There may be times when doing the right thing costs us popularity, relationships, opportunities, or even money.
But integrity is worth the price.
What did it cost Jesus?
Doing the Father's will took Him all the way to the cross.
So as followers of Christ, we shouldn't be surprised when doing what is right sometimes costs us something.
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27 The one who has knowledge restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a person of understanding.
Now Solomon brings us right back to our words.
And notice what wisdom looks like.
Restraint.
A wise person doesn't have to say everything they're thinking.
I know that is a hard one for a lot of us.
I know that sometimes I have something really pointed and sharp and hard-hitting that would land like a Mike Tyson body punch.
But, it wouldn’t be very Christian.
I keep thinking of Ephesians 4:29.
We’ve come back to that verse often and we need to hear it again:
Ephesians 4:29 (CSB) 29 No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
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But unfortunately, our quick wit has often led to a lesson we learned the hard way.
Sometimes the wisest thing you can say is...
Nothing.
I can hear Sgt. Shultz right now, “I know nothing!”
Not every argument needs your participation.
Not every criticism needs your response.
Not every social media post needs your comment.
Not every wrong statement needs to be corrected immediately.
There are times to speak.
There are times to stand up.
There are times when silence would actually be wrong.
But wisdom knows the difference.
And notice the second part:
"One who keeps a cool head is a person of understanding."
Wisdom doesn't just control the mouth.
Wisdom controls the temperature.
When everybody else is getting louder, wisdom can remain calm.
When somebody else loses their temper, we don't have to lose ours.
That's not weakness:
That's self-control.
And then Solomon finishes the chapter with a little humor.
28 Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps silent, discerning when he seals his lips.
In other words...
Sometimes the best way to keep people from discovering how foolish you are is to quit talking!
We've probably all heard some version of the old saying:
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
Solomon beat them to it.
But there's a serious truth underneath the humor.
Wisdom knows when enough has been said.
Think about how many arguments would end sooner if somebody simply stopped talking.
How many marriages would experience less conflict?
How many friendships would have been preserved?
How many church disagreements would never have become church divisions?
Sometimes we keep talking because we want the last word.
But here's a question worth considering:
Why do I need to have the last word?
Sometimes the desire to have the last word isn't wisdom.
It's pride.
As I’m studying this verse, I thought of Job and his friends. When everything went bad for Job, the first thing they did was the best thing they could do.
They sat on the ground with Job for seven days and seven nights without saying a word, recognizing that his pain was too great for ordinary speech.
It all started going south when they opened their mouths and started telling Job what they thought.
It’s kind of funny that even Job calls them out on it:
Job 13:5 (CSB) 5 If only you would shut up and let that be your wisdom!
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Sometimes people don't need our explanations. They need our presence.
We don't always have to have an answer. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is just sit beside somebody who's hurting.
Section 3 Recap
Solomon finishes this chapter by reminding us that wisdom isn't demonstrated by how much we say.
Sometimes wisdom speaks.
Sometimes wisdom confronts.
Sometimes wisdom corrects.
But sometimes wisdom simply knows when to be quiet.
Closing Summary
As we've worked through Proverbs 17, Solomon has taken us through almost every area of everyday life.
Family.
Friendship.
Money.
Conflict.
Justice.
Our emotions.
Our words.
But underneath all of them is the same issue:
What kind of heart are we developing?
Because eventually what's in our heart will show up in the way we live.
A wise heart seeks God's instruction.
A wise heart remains faithful to friends.
A wise heart thinks before making commitments.
A wise heart doesn't go looking for conflict.
A wise heart stays focused on what matters.
And a wise heart knows when to speak—and when to remain silent.
Don't just ask God to make you smarter. Ask Him to make you wiser.
Wiser in your relationships.
Wiser with your money.
Wiser when you're angry.
Wiser when you're hurting.
Wiser with your words.
Wiser with your money.
Wiser when you're angry.
Wiser when you're hurting.
Wiser with your words.
Because the fear of the Lord is still the beginning of wisdom.
Proverbs 9:10 (CSB) 10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
The closer we walk with God, the more His wisdom should begin to show up in our relationships, our decisions, our attitudes—and especially in our words.
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